Making the Decision - part 2

As I began to picture my mom moving in with me, I imagined her living in my house, my spaces, my yard. I imagined the routines, the rhythms of my life weaving into hers.  I didn't know anyone who was in my position. And yet, the more I allowed the question, What if mom moved in with me?, space in my brain, the more I realized that I did know people who had been in my position. So, I chose three people to take to lunch with the intention of getting advice.

COUSIN
My cousin did not live with her parents in their last years, but she might as well have. She was there day after day, hour after hour; somehow holding down a job, plus seeing to their care - allowing them to stay in their own home, and then as they moved to a care facility. And she did so with grace and laughter.

Her advice when I worried that eventually, I might not be able to take care of mom. If she had a change in health, or I did, what then?

Advice: "Just do it until you can't." 

Those words were very helpful to me. They helped me to lighten up and realize that I can only do what I can do - and right now, I can do this.

FRIEND
My mother's friends daughter was a particularly difficult time when I spoke with her. She was worn out. She hadn't had a vacation with her husband since the caregiving began. She hadn't had a night off or even gone to dinner without her caree. She told me how hard it is to never get a break.

Advice: "Build in time for yourself right from the beginning."

Her words were a powerful reminder that having the compassion to do something like this isn't enough. I will need support too. That's something I hadn't seriously considered.

FRIEND
My high school friend cared for her mother, who had Alzheimer's Disease in her home for several years. She spoke of the funny times, the really, really hard times, and the times when suddenly the level of care her mother needed changed.

Advice: "There will be guilt."

After a frank discussion about guilt, I knew she was oh-so-right. Guilt is in my DNA. Along with worry, guilt drives a lot of what I do.  To be told that no matter what, there will be guilt, was freeing. She didn't say, "Whatever you do, don't feel guilty about it." Good thing because that would be impossible for me. But to simply accept that I will feel guilt - that was far more meaningful.

All three of the people I spoke with said they wouldn't take their caregiving years back for anything. Armed with the advice of three dear people, whose words I knew to be true, I made the decision. Mom would be moving in with me. I was excited at the prospect of starting this new life with and for her.

About six weeks later, she moved in.