The Cost of Caring

About four years ago my mother had an episode where she got dizzy and fell. The fall wasn't significant but it was clear something was wrong. She was 85 at the time but had been in excellent health despite her declining vision. In fact, when we'd go shopping; my mom, two sisters, and me - she would outlast us by a longshot. But now her energy was zapped, even at the beginning of the day. That little fall began a year-long search for the answer. It began with checking her ears. Mom has a cochlear implant, so at first, we wondered if something had gone wrong with it. After trips to doctors and multiple tests, the answer was finally found. My mom was in Congestive Heart Failure.

Next began the medications, the lifestyle changes, and trying to reduce the stress in her life. At the time, she was a full time caregiver of my dad who was 8 years older than her; an enormous gap at that age. After months of taking mom to the cardiologist, I had a heart-to-heart with him. I said the following;

This is not easy to talk about and I wouldn't be sharing it if I didn't think it was important. My mom is the eternal optimist. She is positive in negative situations. And when she comes in here, that's really all you know about her is what she shares, and what I do. But that's not the whole story. The truth is, my mom doesn't have an easy life. My dad suffers from PTSD (and dementia I now believe) and he takes everything out on her. He insists that he gets his way. He's belittling her, even making fun of her being blind. This is not my father. This is not who I was raised by. But it is who my mom is with day after day, rarely leaving his side. The level of stress she is under is huge.

I saw a lightbulb go off for Dr. Wong. He said, "I know what this is. I know what caused your mom's heart failure. Your mom has Broken Heart Syndrome or Takotsubo Syndrome." It is caused by ongoing stress that reaches a breaking point. The good news is that the outcome is often much better.  Though the cardiologist insisted that my mother and father be separated for her survival, that wasn't an option.  Thus began a new chapter in my life as a daughter. I now added trying to protect my mother, to keep her alive - while also caring for my father who was increasingly difficult.